Disabled Not Dumb

I believe we are all given problems in life so we can prove we are strong enough to get through them to enjoy the happier times.

The majority of the time I’m laughing the day away with a positive mind. I have been handed a pretty crap hand over the last few years and of course there are days when I don’t feel as strong and its just me, my hot water and bed.  Of late there are people that make the situation I’m in – In a wheelchair rather annoying and sad.

Here are some of the things that that people say:

  • Asking my Mum “Is she ok?” – I’m sat right here they can ask me
  • “You don’t want to be in there all your life” – damn right I don’t
  • “Can’t you just do more exercise?” – if only it was that easy
  • “I’m so sorry you poor thing” – no pity needed, it doesn’t help

Also when going on the bus some of the bus drivers aren’t helpful in the slightest and just expect you to do wheelies on and off the bus, the ramp was put in for a reason. There’s been a handful of times I’ve cried cos I have felt useless because I just can’t get on and off the bus like everyone else.

I guess there is always going to be ignorant assholes and I’ve just got to grin and bear it.

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I am not my disability and I hope that others can see that too instead of treating me like that’s all that I am. The majority of people are lovely its the minority that ruins it.

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you in a happier post next time.

 

My typical day

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When my alarm goes off I really do struggle to get out of my snuggly warm bed I am good though i will only snooze it once occasionally twice before I get my bum out of bed and make some breakfast. I am one of those that can’t go without breakfast I think its when I was younger I was told it was the most important meal of the day and that’s now instilled in my head.

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Off I go and get myself ready for the day whether its a day in or out I think its best to get ready first thing, I usually do a deep cleanse the night before, so I make sure my skin is prepped for my makeup and the rest of me squeaky clean too.

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I am quite routine with my makeup I am not too adventurous so it takes me about 15 mins tops. I look like I have some on but not too made up. I save that for special occasions. That’s when I need to watch the youtube tutorials for tips.

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I get myself dressed and more than likely since I am a home bird I am in for the majority of the day so I grab all my technology bits such as my laptop, mobile and headphones. This is where I will do some blogging, online shopping or watch some youtube or Netflix.

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Being a typical woman I have some days where I am waiting for a parcel to turn up with some goodies in that takes forever to get here. Why couldn’t the driver be psychic and know I hate waiting and deliver to me first.

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I of course have my lunch and I must confess I am a bit of a chocoholic so I snack on whatever chocolate bar I fancy on that day. A little bit of what you fancy does you good or so I’ve been told.

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I do love my music I can’t go a day without listening to it so out come the earphones and on goes Spotify. I love how you can get lost in a song or an album and travel back in time. Sometimes I do take the odd selfie if I am feeling really good about how I look, self-love is good for you anyway.

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After my tea when I am watching the soaps or some documentary I grab myself an Ovaltine or hot chocolate. I am not that much of a hot drink person apart from these two. It helps me settle down for the night.

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Then off I go to bed and I generally have a nosey on social media and have a quick chat with my friends on there then its lights out and to the land of nod.

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There you are that’s my typical day

All of the above is adapted due to needing a wheelchair most of the time but I do what I can the best I can.

Thanks for stopping by to read my post

Til next time….

hol

THIS IS MY STORY

What I am about to tell you happened a fair few years ago but I feel its important to get my story out there and the message to people suffering to know that you are not alone in this.

So it all started when I was walking the route to work that I had walked many times before, that morning was like any other morning nothing had happened to start off what began as a horrendous ride through that part of my life.

I got halfway to work and I felt this feeling I never experienced before,

I was gasping for air, I wanted to scream but no words came out. I felt faint but I couldn’t keep still. I wanted to knock on a door and ask a help but I just couldn’t. Little did I know that this was the start of something really horrible.

I had just suffered the worst panic attack I had ever had…at school I had a few but nothing like this one. I felt like the life I had built back up after my years of torment at school had come crashing down. I started getting crippling panic attacks on a daily basis and soon I was getting to the point where I couldn’t even step outside my front door, wherever I was would bring on a panic attack and I just hated what it was doing to me so I shut myself away.

The anxiety/panic attacks were taking over me, my personality, my appetite and my sleep. I was unknown to myself spiralling into depression. Something I had never experienced. A month or so went by and I really couldn’t take much more of the way I felt or didn’t feel. I was so scared one night that I begged my parents to let me sleep on the floor in their room. I didn’t want to be alone. The truth was I hadn’t slept for a week, I was having thoughts of how I could end this sorry life I thought I had. After voicing it to my parents they took me to the out of hours minor injuries as it was on a Sunday the stupid doctor there said to my parents what do you want me to do about it? if she wants to end it she will. The bloke really didn’t give a shit and at that point nor did i.

Mum and Dad were off to work that Monday and I said to them out of desperation of how I was feeling that I may not be here when you get home tonight please don’t go. There and then I knew I didn’t want to die, I wanted help, medical help from the professionals….and that is what I had.

With intensive outpatient therapy, medication and monitoring I began to see the happier side of things. There was a positive in every day and I wasn’t the only one who ever felt like this…there were millions that had some of the exact thoughts, feelings and fears.

Since then I have had a few times where I had a blip and had to go back on some antidepressants. My body has been through a lot if you follow my blog you’ll know. The last time I was on them was just after having my big bladder op, it was a lot to adapt to and I just felt so alone in it. But I am a much stronger now and have learnt to take each day as it comes and never be afraid to ask for help.

There are mental health awareness days/weeks but in reality those living with a mental illness sometimes don’t get a break for years at a time…like my anxiety its been half of my life so the awareness of any mental health issue should always be made aware of so more people understand and are there as a helping hand.

I could write a book on this but I think I will stop here and I hope its given you an incite of my story of how a mental illness affected me.

Here are a few quotes I thought I would add in here to anyone who is struggling or needs that bit of comfort.

Much loves and thanks for reading xxx

It began 3 years ago

Here you go here’s your stockings and gown, it won’t be long and you’ll be ready to go down. Sign right here to go under the knife, I swear this operation will change your life.

Today marks 3 years since I had my bladder stoma (also known as Mavis) I will do a video in a week or two to tell you all about it and the struggles along the way.

I just thought it was an occasion to write about as it has impacted my life since 2015.

I couldn’t be happier with it and I really couldn’t live without it.

Happy Sunday

Much love…Me xxx

Oh and here’s a quote I found quite fitting.

Whats on my mind?

All that has been written here today is just off the top of my head, no filter just whatever is on my mind. 

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It’s now close to 3 weeks into the new year and it hasn’t been the new year I was totally envisioning, but nevertheless its been pretty positive one most of the time.

I started doing weight watchers New Years Day and it wasn’t that I thought I was fat, cos I’m not. I have just got some unwanted inches from being sat/led down a lot. Not being able to sleep in my bedroom upstairs because of the paralysis in my legs and having my bed in the lounge next to the kitchen was asking for a bit of weight gain. I would comfort eat because I felt sad of how life had changed for me in a blink of an eye. Anyway, i am losing weight which is good. Slow but steady and that’s how I prefer rather than all at once.

I’ll keep you updated as my journey with that goes on.

Having a few chronic illnesses I guess they are going to rear their ugly head at some point, and it seemed like January was the month that my anxiety picked. I have been worrying about the future and what life will be like with a disability and will I ever be back to normal. The thing I need to get in my head is what will be will be and just to be positive, not to focus on the things that get me down and I can’t control.

I have also had a bit of writers block of late, so if you were wondering where my blog posts were – its because I hit a wall. I know what I want to write about but putting the words down has been hard. However, i think my mojo is back and I am ready to give blogging my all. I’m going to write from the heart and not whats on trend as I know there are so many people who just follow suit. I always look at writing as being an outlet and also to give people my honest opinion/advice and on occasions make them laugh.

Just so you know, from now on it will be whatever I think about writing on that day and I hope you will still enjoy reading it. Some occasions it may be scheduled but on a whole I want to bring it to you from the brain to laptop to you FRESH.

Keep an eye out for videos and audio messages too as I love adding personal touches to every post.

Love you all and appreciate you reading.

Til next time…

hol

Give me a few days

Happy 2018 everyone,

I hope you all are having a fab one so far.

I am just writing a post to let you know that I haven’t been feeling too great for about a week. Had major earache on Christmas Day and a few days after. I then have had a couple of really bad days with my paralysis in my legs and along with Mother Nature and PMS you can imagine I just want normality.

Give me a few days and I’ll have some awesome blog posts for you. I’ll make sure they are worth the wait.

Much love and I hope you understand 😘

Best laid plans go wrong

I never thought this time last year I would be where I am. Living life totally different to what I envisioned it to be. All best-laid plans go wrong and illness doesn’t care if you’re a good person or not.

Today it’s been 5 months since my legs started to feel very odd. I don’t think I will forget the 20th of July in a hurry. It’s changed my life so much. Not a day goes by where I don’t have to struggle to do everyday tasks. I never thought I would have to utter the words paralysis/paralysed to describe how I was feeling.

I think it doesn’t help that today is my Dads birthday and he’s poorly in hospital…his ward is closed due to winter illnesses so he won’t have a good day, plus I don’t want to upset him seeing me like this. Even though he has vascular dementia I know he would still be so upset to see me in a wheelchair. He knows I love him so very much. It hurts though without me being like this. You never think your parent will get the most torturing diseases early and not be able to live his older days as planned.

My illness however is manageable but not curable. It will do as it pleases and stops me from doing normal things a 30 something woman does but I won’t ever let it get the better of me. It can make me cry and get frustrated a little but I won’t let it get me down.

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Who knows one day I may be able to hand back the wheelchair and the other mobility aids if they do wave a magic wand and live life a bit more free. I’ll just keep staying positive, work towards my goals in life and try not to see the way I am at the moment as an obstacle.

I have hopes and dreams and I hope that I can achieve them sometime soon or in the future, whenever… Just as long as I can put tick next to them and write done.

To any of you facing a struggle please know you will get through it even if it takes longer than you hoped.

Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Til next time