What I am about to tell you happened a fair few years ago but I feel its important to get my story out there and the message to people suffering to know that you are not alone in this.
So it all started when I was walking the route to work that I had walked many times before, that morning was like any other morning nothing had happened to start off what began as a horrendous ride through that part of my life.
I got halfway to work and I felt this feeling I never experienced before,
I was gasping for air, I wanted to scream but no words came out. I felt faint but I couldn’t keep still. I wanted to knock on a door and ask a help but I just couldn’t. Little did I know that this was the start of something really horrible.
I had just suffered the worst panic attack I had ever had…at school I had a few but nothing like this one. I felt like the life I had built back up after my years of torment at school had come crashing down. I started getting crippling panic attacks on a daily basis and soon I was getting to the point where I couldn’t even step outside my front door, wherever I was would bring on a panic attack and I just hated what it was doing to me so I shut myself away.
The anxiety/panic attacks were taking over me, my personality, my appetite and my sleep. I was unknown to myself spiralling into depression. Something I had never experienced. A month or so went by and I really couldn’t take much more of the way I felt or didn’t feel. I was so scared one night that I begged my parents to let me sleep on the floor in their room. I didn’t want to be alone. The truth was I hadn’t slept for a week, I was having thoughts of how I could end this sorry life I thought I had. After voicing it to my parents they took me to the out of hours minor injuries as it was on a Sunday the stupid doctor there said to my parents what do you want me to do about it? if she wants to end it she will. The bloke really didn’t give a shit and at that point nor did i.
Mum and Dad were off to work that Monday and I said to them out of desperation of how I was feeling that I may not be here when you get home tonight please don’t go. There and then I knew I didn’t want to die, I wanted help, medical help from the professionals….and that is what I had.
With intensive outpatient therapy, medication and monitoring I began to see the happier side of things. There was a positive in every day and I wasn’t the only one who ever felt like this…there were millions that had some of the exact thoughts, feelings and fears.
Since then I have had a few times where I had a blip and had to go back on some antidepressants. My body has been through a lot if you follow my blog you’ll know. The last time I was on them was just after having my big bladder op, it was a lot to adapt to and I just felt so alone in it. But I am a much stronger now and have learnt to take each day as it comes and never be afraid to ask for help.
There are mental health awareness days/weeks but in reality those living with a mental illness sometimes don’t get a break for years at a time…like my anxiety its been half of my life so the awareness of any mental health issue should always be made aware of so more people understand and are there as a helping hand.
I could write a book on this but I think I will stop here and I hope its given you an incite of my story of how a mental illness affected me.
Here are a few quotes I thought I would add in here to anyone who is struggling or needs that bit of comfort.
Much loves and thanks for reading xxx